What if... The 3-Stages of Empathy Generally empowered Leadership?

I consider myself one of the most fortunate people on this planet.

Why you might ask?

Well, for many reasons, but the one I’m going to refer to in this blog is that I have people in my close network with whom I can have deep-dive conversations.

• People with such a wealth of knowledge and experience that my heart shivers joyfully when I’m in their presence.

• People who share so generously that I sometimes want to cry… with joy!

One of those dear friends and mentors is Dr David Paul, the advisor for the wise. One of the most beautiful human beings on this planet (I’m not kidding, folks)

Some time ago, David shared his deep knowledge of neuroscience and the 3-stages of Empathy and shared with me the research by Paul Ekman and Daniel Goleman.

In the time and age we live in, the 5th Industrial Industry, we need to create a new relationship between AI and human reactions. Empathy is the name of the game.

As always, I made a few notes, and in this blog, I want to share these notes with you.

So, let’s dig into Dr David’s wisdom.

What are the three stages of empathy?

The first stage of empathy is cognitive;
Cognitive Empathy.

Dr David Paul:
Your brain understands what that person is going through. And sometimes the brain says, I know because I've been through something similar. That's how the brain justifies understanding somebody else's pain. You know that immediately because the other person jumps in and says, oh, you mean, like, when this happened to me, this is how I felt? Is that what you're going through?

So, the brain tries to bridge that gap by understanding what that person is going through.

Cognitive Empathy is better than no empathy, but at least it's a start.

The next stage of empathy is emotional
Emotional Empathy.

Dr David Paul continues: The second type of Empathy is called emotional Empathy.

Emotional Empathy is where you feel the feelings of that person going through loss, suffering, frustration, or whatever it is they're going through.

You have an emotional connection because you have experienced something similar.

It may not be the same thing, but the brain says, I feel what you're feeling, but that's all it does. And I got over it by doing this, or I got over it by doing that, or I got over it by talking to somebody.

The Emotional Connection is there.

With Cognitive Empathy, it's only a thought; it's only trying to understand. But with emotional Empathy, there's a level of connection with feeling.

If you want somebody to feel what you're going through, you need to think about it yourself and say; How can I make them feel what I'm going through?

Otherwise, it remains Cognitive Empathy, which means the other person doesn't care. And this is very important because emotions are something we're supposed to park outside the office. You don't bring emotions into a professional space, and any kind of emotion is not allowed in any meeting.

This is where many women feel that they are up against the wall.

Rúna: “I have heard so many women say this: I do not show my emotions at work, and they train themselves not to show their feelings! When, in fact, being able to show emotion and feel emotion can significantly benefit your leadership skills? Are emotional people downgrading perhaps some of their natural strength this way, both men and women?”

Dr David answered: Yes. That is true. When people restrict themselves from their emotions; just remember this; people are cutting off their humanity.
Also, be very clear that emotions are different to feelings. The absolute criticality.

We need to say, let's enter the messy space to make sense of the mess. Because every mess has a cause, we should deal with the cause, not the symptoms. And most of the time, we refuse to deal with the reason; we always deal with symptoms.

The third stage is the empathy of compassion.

Compassionate Empathy.

It's where you have a deep concern about the person and the situation. The keyword for Compassionate Empathy is Action!

Compassionate Empathy does something about that person in the case...

The idea is you don't think, which is Cognitive Empathy; you don't just feel, which is Emotional Empathy.

Compassionate Empathy says; How can I alleviate or improve or be a practical help in this situation?

As this person is telling me, this person is sharing the critical aspect of compassion with me. Empathy is where you do something about it.

All they're doing is what's called Cognitive Empathy. They're just trying to explain to you through their intellect or knowledge base that they're trying to understand what's happening.

So if they don't do anything.

Just say to yourself, "Okay. You do not feel that Compassionate Empathy. You're just good at talking about it. But you sound good, and it's a great fit; many managers and leaders do that.”

The other side of the coin is that Emotional Empathy is where people feel so passionately that all they do is get upset.

They don't translate or make the bridge to Compassionate Empathy where they do something about it, but they're distraught.

I mean, climate change is so bad. I mean, can't you see the planet burning and can't you see the ice caps melting? And they get distraught.

But that's just emotions, no actions!

For instance, they won't go to the park and clear the plastic. They won't do something that would be helpful. They won't stop using their dryer because it's so bad for the environment, but they happily will use it.

We need to do is become doctors of Compassionate Empathy.

In other words, we need to help people by saying, "I'm so glad you're feeling this way. I'm so happy you think this way. Now let's do something about it. Here is a prescription where you can do something and try it for a week or a month."

I'm talking about this right now because it is crucial in our day and time.

These issues will come up over and over and over again.

Compassionate Empathy is for those genuinely enlightened people who are moved to do something about it. So it's not for everyone, but for those who have seen the light, if you like.

Summing up. The 3-stages of Empathy!

Cognitive Empathy would be in the workplace. Somebody lost their job, and you might feel, oh, I know how that feels; I lost my job in another situation. So it's the first response that usually happens in professional spaces.

Emotional Empathy is when a child, a partner, or a close friend is going through some trauma. We assure them that we're there to support them in whatever way they want.

So it's almost like the first response to those we love, what can I do? How can I help? That kind of thing.

Compassion and Empathy are like, say, when somebody hurts themselves as they cut themselves, the first thing we do is we go and bring the first aid kid. So, we've been practising to help stop the pain, the bleeding, and whatever.

We think, we feel, and we do all of those three things in an instant. We don't hesitate. If somebody you care about is at a distance, you send them something to help them, hoping that whatever you send will help them deal with that situation.

The brain, the heart and the body all work together in a synchronistic way.

Bringing the thought, the emotions and the action together with Compassionate Empathy.

The sad thing about Compassionate Empathy is that we mistake it for the other two forms.

The Misconception Many People Have about Emotional Empathy.

When someone says, I understand, we think they care. That's the misconception many people have about Emotional Empathy. Helping people towards self-leadership and self-awareness is the key. To teach, educate and challenge people when they talk about Empathy.

I would love to hear your take-aways from this conversation?

Feel free to leave your comments below.