Break the Stereotype: Invest in Bonding with Your Child

The wind blew straight from the North Pole on December evening in Reykjavik, Iceland. My partner and I were heading to his company’s Christmas party at Omnom Chocolate HQ (Jebb, which manufactures Zack Effron’s favourite chocolate - Coffee & Milk).  The hall room was all beautifully decorated, and as people came in from the cold, one could feel a certain excitement.

I love meeting new people, and having the opportunity to learn about other people’s lives fills me up in some way. 

A Proud Father Talking About Being a Stay-At-Home-Dad

A young man who introduced himself to me as ‘A being ‘just’ a stay-at-home Dad’ sat with me. As he introduced himself, I noticed his energy did beam around him. I could feel pride in his voice, so I asked him: “What do you mean by saying, ‘just’ a stay-at-home dad?”  

He looked at me with a surprised look on his face and said: “OMG…did I actually use the term ‘just’ - I surely didn’t intend to do that; I love my role as a stay-at-home dad with my little one,” he added.

The conversation continued as he told me about everything he had been learning in the last four months, taking parental leave from work at a car-repair shop. This was his third child; however, the first time he took parental leave. 

A Unique Time To Bond With His Infant - feeling lonely

He talked about how being a stay-at-home dad had given him time to bond with his child differently than he managed to do with his other two children when they were infants and toddlers. At one point in our conversation, he lowered his voice and said: “One thing that I’ve never thought I would experience was feeling lonely and isolated”. And he added, “and that is fine, just a weird thing to experience, and it makes me understand my wife a whole lot deeper.”  

- We talked about the difference in Icelandic society after the law in 2000. The time when parental leave came from the eyes of the child, meaning the child’s right to know and bond with both parents equally. 

- We talked about the new ‘normal’. In the eyes of society, seeing fathers strolling downtown with their babies is just as frequent as seeing mothers doing so.

The Parental Law in 2000 created the new ’norm.’

- We talked about how the Parental Law in 2000 transformed the landscape for gender equity, as it was no longer a women’s role to take care of their children—making both men and women at a certain age equal in a job interview, as they could both potentially be taking parental leave during their stay in the company.

To that day, it was often more difficult for women to be hired in a high-position job, as the employer unconsciously thought: “well, I will pick him over her, as she is more likely to leave the job for maternity leave.”
Now, it’s just as possible for men to take a break as it is for women.

Doing things their own way - creating the family life they desire

We also talked about how he wanted to move forward with his role as a father of young children. He told me they (his wife and himself) were planning to do things differently this time, as the parental leave was about to end for both of them.

Instead of registering their little one to a playschool to stay for the whole day, they agreed with each employer to take turns picking up the child at 2 pm instead of 5 pm for the next 12 months. He added it would mean our income would be lower, but we both feel very strongly that by doing that, we will be creating the home for our children that we both want it to be.

Make it your priority to be yourself!

As the Ambassador for the New Paradigm for Gender Equity - The Manifesto - where we talk about the importance of living your life more from who you are, less by the social construct you’ve been raised in, this conversation was bliss for me.

You might think: Yeah, but you can do this in Iceland because that’s your culture. And yes, there is both some truth in that and also deception.

The deception is to understand that despite your social construct, you can always ask yourself what matters to you! -

All changes start with a thought…and your thoughts are always yours!

The question could be:  In an ideal world, where money is no object, people around me will value and respect my decision, whatever it is; What would it give me to be able to build a unique bond with my infant/toddler? 

Allow the answer to come to you, and notice what your heart is saying. You can go deeper and ask yourself; What difference would it make for me, my family, my community, and my workplace if I become this change I want to see in the world?

And if your heart is telling you that it would fill your cup to break the stereotype in your society, let that be your sign of taking baby steps forward.

Here are 5 ‘baby’ steps for parents who want to equally play their part in caregiving for their children.

1. Different Conversation - Different Outcome.
   Start telling people what sort of a dad (parents) you would love to be and what sort of a bond you would like to build with your child. The more you talk about it, as if it has already happened, the more you manifest your ideal future.

2. Reach out to your boss (if you are employed).
   You can start by discussing their social responsibility plan and how they plan to include flexibility for parental leave for both parents as part of their beautiful social responsibility statement.   

3. Add a clause about joined parental leave in your Social Responsibility Plan (for entrepreneurs and business owners).
   If you own your own business or sit on a board, you can become the change. Start planning to include paid parental leave for your employees or at least set a goal for it to happen.   

4. Open up a particular bank account designated for your future parental leave.
   If becoming a father is something you’ve always dreamt about, allow yourself to invest in your future and start putting even a tiny amount of money every month into a particular account dedicated to your future bonding time with your children.

5. Envision yourself daily as the future version of yourself, the father you desire to be.
   Take the time, even if it’s only 2-3 minutes a day, to envision the future version of yourself as the father spending just as much time with your infant/toddler as your wife or partner. Notice the feeling that vision gives you and allow that feeling to expand to your whole body.

Learn more about being a parent in Iceland.
More about parental leave in Iceland; CLICK HERE! 

Book Rúna for an Out-Of-The-Box conversation how to break through the gender stereotypes roles with humour and joy!