The Search for Fulfilment: Happiness or Freedom?

Which is more critical for you? 

I love having deep, insightful conversations that leave me feeling that there is more to explore. Luckily this is such a big part of my life, both personally and professionally, with the work, we do in the No More Boxes the Transformational Movement and as a leadership coach, author and mentor.

One of the conversations I had the other day was about Happiness vs Freedom to be oneself.

A vast topic and very aligned with what I feel is my personal purpose in life to create space in our boxes that give us oxygen to breathe and be more the person we were always meant to be.

The debate between happiness and personal freedom is a long-standing one. On the one hand, some argue that the pursuit of happiness is the ultimate goal of life. On the other hand, others believe that personal freedom and the ability to be oneself are of utmost importance. But which one is more important for humanity?

Happiness is often seen as the ultimate goal in life.

After all, who wouldn't want to be happy? Happiness is associated with positive emotions, such as joy, contentment, and fulfilment. Just as with all feelings, these positive emotions bring in frequency that attracts more joy, pleasure and fulfilment. 

It's a state of being we all strive for; many believe it's the key to a good life.

However, personal freedom is also crucial for our well-being. As a leadership coach for over a decade with thousands of private one-on-one coaching and consulting sessions, witnessing the people transforming their lives when they open up and expand their socially constructed box always gives me goosebumps. Even just writing about it makes my whole body shiver. 

Writing and publishing the book; Branding Your X-Factor and all the speaking engagement that followed, I had tons of conversations with people about the power of being authentic and knowing your X-factor.

It is about expressing ourselves, and living in a way that feels authentic and true to ourselves is vital for our mental health and happiness. Pursuing our passions, making choices, and forming our identities are essential to personal freedom.

So which matters more, happiness or personal freedom? 

To better understand this debate, let's take a closer look at five examples where happiness and personal freedom intersect:

1. Career Choices:

Happiness may involve pursuing a career that pays well or is considered prestigious. At the same time, personal freedom may mean pursuing a career that aligns with one's values and interests, even if it pays less or is less conventional. While a well-paying job can bring temporary happiness, pursuing a career that aligns with one's values and interests can lead to long-term fulfilment and happiness.

Sarah's story shows demonstrate this struggle quite well. Sarah was a rule follower, did what was expected of her, and never questioned authority. She went to college, got a degree in a field that promised a good career, and started climbing the corporate ladder.  

She did everything she thought she was expected to do and did everything she possibly could to fit nicely into the socially constructed box. But as she worked long hours and made more money, she felt dissatisfied with her life.

She asked herself frequently, 'Is this all I'm supposed to do? If so, why am I not fulfilled?'

Our social conditions often tell us that we are not safe if we do something different from the norm! I like to challenge that mindset myself, and something magical happens when you challenge that social stigma.

Can you resonate with Sarah's story?  

In such moments, one can often see and feel the box they are trapped in. Pivotal moments, because once you are aware, you can choose what to do with that box (more about that later in this article)
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2. Romantic Relationships:

Happiness may involve being in a relationship that society deems acceptable or ideal. At the same time, personal freedom may mean pursuing a relationship that aligns with one's sexual orientation, gender identity, or relationship style, even if it's considered unconventional.

Being true to oneself and finding a partner who supports and accepts us can lead to greater happiness and satisfaction in relationships.

Some societies are more accepting of all kinds of romantic relationships, and other are more stuck in a structure that does not give people the freedom to choose.   Then some are neither bothered with romantic relationships nor the freedom to choose. 

I had such an interesting conversation with a Taxi driver in New York City a few years ago. We were talking about the difference between love marriages and arranged marriages. This gentleman was originally from Pakistan and had moved to the USA as a young boy. His wife was also from Pakistan, and their marriage had been arranged, which is custom in their original country.   

His socially conditioned view of marriage was evident. He was also convinced that arranged marriages lasted much longer than love marriages.  

When I asked him what would happen if one got divorced in an arranged marriage, he told me that person would instantly be isolated from their family. - perhaps that's why people get less divorced.  

We talked about sex before marriage which he was totally against… well, at least when it came to his daughters.
He told me: If I knew or discovered that my daughter (19 at that time) would have a sexual relationship with a man, I would immediately throw her out of the house.  

When I asked him if he would do the same thing with his son, he said NO - and explained that 'boys-will-be-boys' - I asked him: So, that must mean your boy can only have a sexual relationship with another person who is not from Pakistan, right?

He almost stopped the taxi on the spot, and for a short time, I wasn't sure if he would throw me out!

He then answered:  No! It's out of the question for my boy to mix with another race.

I still can't quite figure this out in my head. So, a boy who is a second-generation Pakistan in the USA can be sexually active before arranged marriage, but only with another girl who is also from Pakistan originally. On the other hand, she is not allowed to do anything before the wedding… hmmm??? 

I honestly admit. 

I find it difficult to see the freedom in this situation; I can, however, spot the happiness here. Happiness can exist when people are in love, accept social conditions, and stay in love with their relationship box. It’s crucial to be in love with your box. Otherwise, happiness will not be part of your vocabulary.

Sorry… I got a bit sidetracked here.  Let’s get back to the difference between happiness & freedom ;-)

3. Parenting Styles:

Happiness may involve raising children in an expected or socially acceptable way. At the same time, personal freedom may mean parenting aligning with one's beliefs and values, even if it goes against societal norms. Raising children authentically and individually can lead to happier and healthier families.

The parental box became the topic in one of our No More Boxes Breakfast Club discussions. It was such an exciting conversation about our different assumptions towards parental roles. This a conversation I tell every parent to be to have. What sort of a parent do you seek to be? What does it mean for you to be a father or a mother?  

4. Religious Beliefs:

Happiness may involve adhering to a particular religious tradition or belief system. At the same time, personal freedom may mean questioning or rejecting religious dogma, even if it leads to discomfort or conflict with others. Being true to one's beliefs and values can lead to greater happiness and fulfilment, even if it means going against societal or religious norms.

As I mentioned in my story about my conversations with that taxi driver in New York City. This is often a big box to tackle. 

5. Gender and Sexuality:

Happiness may involve conforming to traditional gender and sexuality norms. At the same time, personal freedom may mean expressing oneself in a way that aligns with one's gender identity or sexual orientation, even if it's seen as unconventional or controversial. Being true to oneself and expressing oneself authentically can lead to greater happiness and well-being.

The deeper I look into the No More Boxes Methodology and use it to help my clients spot their boxes, see which are good, which are bad and which are plain ugly and hold them back from happiness and freedom to be themselves. The more I see how we both have the personal capacity to sit quietly in the box and do as we think we are supposed to do. 

However, when we expand our boxes to consciously bring more life, joy and fulfilment into the box, the box holding us back disappears. 

In conclusion, both happiness and personal freedom are necessary for humanity. While pursuing happiness is essential, it shouldn't come at the expense of individual freedom and the ability to be oneself.